My father is a subject that I usually keep to myself but since I know only one person in Mindsay I have no fear of opening up about him.  I also really don't care what other people think about this blog either because there is too much for our relationship to be able to express everything that has gone on in our lives.

My father has owned a Mortgage company in Miami for probably 20 years and he is very sucessfull.  He is also and asshole and a jerk.  Both of my sisters, one more than the other, can attest to this.  My younger sister, Jennifer, is running his company now.  This was something he told me back in '96 that he wanted me to do.  So I moved down there again for the third time in my life.  We lasted about 3 months.  His hatefull attitude, his verbal persecution and his utmost

Forget about all that crap, dad is a jerk.  We havn't seen each other in over 7 years and the only time we have spoken is when he answers the phone when I am calling the company looking for Jennifer.

Well, Jennifer is helping me get a mortgage to buy the house I rent.  She had told me previously, before I was going to purchase this, that Dad, her, and her boy were coming up the first of June and wanted to see me.  It wasn't just to see me that they are coming to see.  Dad's stepmom is rehabilitating from a stroke and she must be in her seventies or more.  Well I never really believed that they are coming until today.  From some things that she has said, it looks like this may happen.  Jennifer has told me repeatedly over that years that dad has always asked about and how I was doing*he knows we talk sometimes* and that he loves me.  I always respond, "too bad things are the way they are".

I have let myself go, physically, I don't make the cash that I had set goals for myself and although I am happy to be back living where I am, I do not feel like I have accomplished what I should have monetary wise to have to sit down at dinner with him and have to face him.  Tears are swelling up in my eyses just anticipating this.  I do not feel like a total failure due to the crap that I have gone through in my life.  If you ask any of my closest friends, they cannot believe I have been able to deal with it all and come through like I have.

I love my father.  I make no bones about that.  But I have no reason to want to see him again after all we have been through together.  Maybe the fact the he has lymphomic cancer he is changing some of his ways.  I don't think so.  I don't believe that for a second.  I wonder if my sister has something to do with this and WHY?  I am so scared to sit down at a dinner table with him again.  In NO way do I want him coming over and seeing what I have been able to do with this house.  How much better I have made it thanks to some of the things he taught me  In no way do I want to see the fact that I went from 6.50 and hour to what I make in less than three years.  What I want him to do is just come in, we say our pleasantries, and for him to go on back to Miami and sit at his beach front fucking house in the Keys and go away.  And yes I will come to his funeral whenever that day comes.  But as of right now, that will be the only time I ever want to see him again.

I am going to stress about this until this is over.  I have no idea how to handle this.  They didn't teach me these skills while I was going to college.  As much of a partier I am, no drink, no matter how strong, can give me the courage to face this.  I must deal with this the right way.  I have gone through worse things.  The dinner should only last an hour or so.  Somehow, through prayers, a backslid christian like myslelf will be able to find the strength and the courage to overcome the dred that fills my soul about this "reuniting".